Archives for the month of: November, 2010

This had been one of my most unproductive week by far. I need to learn how to create partitions for my head so I can temporarily cast all my troubles aside and come back to it at a more convenient time. Wishful thinking!

I am such a paradox sometimes. I am usually reserved and skeptical about strangers,however once the line is crossed and the transition into friendship takes place…trust and belief in the person will be given almost instantly. And guess people do take advantage of it somehow.

Call it naivety if you wish, I would always love to have faith and trust in people although I do know we humans are subjected to extreme fallibility.

Why still choose to do so despite knowing so? Well, in my perspective, the people around us..did not become the way they are( be it good or bad) just like that. They had gone through a series of processes before arriving to where they are. And most people who are “bad” were probably not as “bad” some time ago. Something must have happened that had shaped them into the way they are now.

Beneath a critical person, he/she perhaps needs lots of assurance himself/herself as he might be really insecure or inconfident about himself. Beneath a cynical person, he/she might have been hurt by people who he cared about very much. You get the idea right? And of course I do believe that some people were just inborn or rather prone towards certain negative traits, for eg: self centered, pessimistic, etc. However  I believe that majority of people are not bad creatures in general.

I’ve been burnt so many times, for trusting in people. It’s not that I don’t learn from my lesson but it’s due to my childish belief that people would be won over by kindness. I thought that by taking the first step of trusting and believing in the person would help to make him/she feel good and appreciated. Let’s put it simply that I thought kindness begets kindness.

Apparently not.

The world has become so messed up that sometimes “conscience” might not even exist. Human go to the extremes finding excuses to justify their faults or cover up totally. Using even the sciences to justify wrong morals. For example, why do men have a higher tendency to cheat? Oh because their biology makeup claims that they need to look for different mates and sow their seeds……to populate the world. Okay I’m being sarcastic but you get the gist.

And strangely when some people have taken advantage of someone, they blamed it upon the other person being stupidly kind or naive.

The really scary part is that some people manipulate others without the awareness that they are doing so. Think carefully, how many times a situation started with you feeling unjustified and after “clarification” or “confrontation”, you ended being the “bad guy” or deemed as the one making fuss. You ended up being the one feeling apologetic for something that you felt wronged about or victimized in the beginning.

It gets pretty disheartening sometimes but I am trying to stay optimistic..there must still be like-minded people out there.

I definitely hope I will not get jaded one day.

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I have a temptation to just leave everything behind, to go to somewhere new where nobody knows me and I know nobody. Start a new life with no ambitions or significant plans, pursue random things and activities.

Teach children english, maths, arts or music or volunteer in an orphanage. Go to the hilltop before the sunset, enjoy the breeze and write songs and poetry under a pine tree. Roam down streets, stop by a cafe when tired to have some tea and just watch people pass me by.

Don’t need to worry about how much money I want to make, the place I want to be in society,finding love, keeping love, the lifestyle I want to provide for my family, basically the never ending rat race.

Sometimes everything gets too overwhelming, get so tired trying to fight my way through basically everything.

Need to fight for what I believe, fight for my values, fight to change destiny, fight when life tries to bring me down, fight when people try to bring me down, fight for love, fight to keep love, fight when losing love, fight to remain sane, fight to remain hopeful, fight to be myself.

Are things really that complicated or human just make things complicated?

Or subconsciously human wants things to be complicated so that life would not be monotonous or mundane?

Why do people change? Do people change when they are tired of the “fight”? Better to give into the world’s expectations than to stick firm to one’s beliefs?

It is always easier to change and be part of the norm than to go against the flow.

It is always easier to agree than to disagree.

And you can probably sense the storm going through my little heavy head now.

I will rest for now, and be ready to fight again.

I am sitting at my work desk now, counting the hours to knock off.

I’m totally not in a mood or rather can’t be productive today. You know, I am really starting to adapt to whatever life is throwing at me.

I am sad today. I feel like crying at every opportunity. I feel like running as fast as my legs can carry me. I feel like going somewhere far away alone and write poetry.

Despite all that, I know all these gloom I feel today will pass and I will be good again.

I’ve learnt much the past year.  I’ve learnt what’s heartbreak, losing someone, moving on, how to fight to stay strong, letting go, being patient, being the smaller person, tolerance.

It is sometimes demoralising to have to face setback after setback. However I feel myself gaining strength each time I crossed the obstacle. Sometimes I feel so alone, having to go through everything all by myself. I have great friends by my side but no matter how well they understand you, they are not you. They can never totally understand how you really feel.  At the same time, I get to know myself even more and become even more sure of myself.

So you out there might feel sad today or maybe sad one day just like how I am feeling now, but remember all will pass like the rain and the skies will be blue again.

Seriously, I admire the discipline of how some people have the discipline to blog so often. To date, I think I have more drafts than published entries. I would type halfway and then just got stuck, unable to clearly express my thoughts. Saving whatever I’ve typed as a draft but would forget about it within the next couple of hours.

I have just returned from Europe. Spent two weeks touring- London, Rome, Venice, Florence and Paris. Pretty tight schedule but would say I had lots of fun especially when it comes to eating.No places beat Rome to have the best and reasonably priced pasta and pizza. Shopping is the best in Florence. While Paris definitely have the nicest night life. Perhaps I shall write in depth of my journey when I have time. Meanwhile I’ll just post one picture(favourite) that I’ve taken for each city I went.

I am still suffering for jetlag and finding it really hard to sleep, however by the end of this entry, I’ll be ready to get into slumber.

London

Rome

Venice

Florence

Paris

Okay I am still not sleepy yet but I’ll try to sleep…got work tomorrow so I can’t really afford to stay up the whole night:(