Archives for posts with tag: challenges

I am sitting on a bench by the river, looking at the gradual darkening clouds which are hovering over me. I watch people pass me by, all at different paces. Recently there has been so much unrest in the world.

An deadly earthquake followed by radiation threats in Japan, the unrest in Libya, the protest in London, nuclear threats here and there, and the list follows. Should I be glad that I am living in a city where most disasters barely touch us, where there isn’t any real politics to speak of, where the billionaires and millionaires are flooding in, where there isn’t any external threats… Whenever I watch the news and see all the troubles other places are facing, I know I should feel much fortunate.

But why do I feel a constant weight on my shoulders? I laugh but not really truly laughing. I keep this cool nonchalant front while thousands of woes and thoughts are swarming within my head. The stress of meeting expectations ,especially my own, are so overwhelming sometimes that I just need to find a corner where no one can see me and cry.

Some friends do not understand why I am driving myself so hard. They say easily, ” You are still young, you have plenty of time. Take things easy.”

However what they don’t know is that I can’t really take things easy for one very simple reason.

I never felt that I am ordinary and I don’t want to be ordinary.

And if that it is so, I cannot simply take the same measures as what a person would usually take. If you make average options, you end up being an average person, isn’t it so?

During this trying period of my life, I reminded myself constantly to continue pushing on despite lack of support from people around me. It may be difficult but I believe that success do not come easily. Perseverance will allow one to see the fruits one day.

So if you are also struggling today, please continue to hang on there. The butterfly always need to give a good fight to emerge from the cocoon.

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Where shall I start?

Sometimes I wish that there’s a technology that can capture particular thoughts which one cannot record in time.

I am currently sitting at Starbucks, feeling an urge to go to the toilet yet do not feel like leaving my seat just yet.

Mmm..How shall I sum up the lengthy amount of things that had happened…

And so I successful set up an art gallery within three months, left the job, went to Bangkok twice in January looking into the possibility of taking over my mother’s business and also setting up a cafe. Currently encouraged by my boyfriend, I am also trying to start my label ( the one that I stopped halfway in 2010) while looking for a job in the corporate world for experience.

I know as a fresh grad without much experience, one cannot be choosy or too selective. However I cannot help but feel less excited about applying to certain companies “just for the sake of it”. I was feeling down and really stressed about my situation. I did try a number of things to make me feel better such as meeting people, organising networking events, going to entrepreneur talks, however the fact that time is passing rapidly each day and my bank account shrinking with it does not help.

The last entry I was blogging about that being stuck in the bottomless pit is good in a way as one cannot get any lower in it. And yes indeed I have some good news to share.

It is barely anything to celebrate yet but it is kinda like a spark that lights in my “bottomless pit” and therefore its presence overwhelms greatly in the darkness.

I applied to Procter & Gamble several weeks ago. This will be really be considered as the “DREAM JOB” and also “THE COMPANY” that I want to work for. I took the personality test online and went through to the reasoning test. And then an email told me that they would inform me if I made it to the next round of application. A week passed and then another. I was kinda disappointed although I didn’t really tell anyone. Of course the first reason is that ” oh no I’ve missed my chance” and then the next ” Maybe I am not as smart as I thought to pass the reasoning test”.

Well it’s been a month since the last test I took and guess what?

I received an email yesterday that informed me to go down to the office for the next round of test! 🙂

Well, let’s see how things go. Life being so unpredictable and hope comes when one least expects.

Meanwhile I am going to continue to meet up friends, mentors and contacts, it gets tiring but I will keep on going finding clovers 🙂

One of my favourite P&G ads  Emotional Marketing) so good that I teared..

Pantene Commercial ( Thailand)

The time when you know that things are definitely going to change for the better is when you are right at the pit bottom where things can’t get any worse. However the next fear would be that- what if nothing changes and one just get stuck in this bottomless pit for a really long time?

The funny thing is that everytime when I land into one of these so called “bottomless pits”, I always came out no matter how I felt it was never going to end; the irony is that everytime I just feel equally helpless or demoralised. The situation never stays the same, it will come to an end and turn for the better..just that no one knows the time frame.

I am currently in this stage of my life where I felt so helpless, vulnerable and demoralised from time to time, and I would just cry in frustration when things don’t go the way I anticipated. I would then look back at all the other times when I thought I wouldn’t be able to go on and it gave me strength to know that I am a lot stronger than I think I am.

Life’s a marathon, isn’t it? Slowly but surely 🙂

Really like the song from the movie Burlesque.

It is a brand new year again. And I left my job.

A year before this, I would never expect to be going through or have gone through all these events that I am now. Nor have I foresee myself to be in my current situation. Have I become a little wiser or smarter? Maybe. But I do know that I can definitely cope with setbacks.

It gets frustrating at times. Especially when you face one after another too often too soon. But I guess that is also the fastest way to learn and also grow. However I feel exhausted sometimes. I am still young and should not be feeling this way. Is it because of all the things that happened to me throughout my whole life that made me feel so old? Or is it just a growing process to feel this kind of exhaustion, fear and perplexity.

What do I love? What do I love enough to do it day and night? What do I love enough to do it for years or maybe the rest of my life?

A friend once told me, the way to know if something fits you is to try it. Remember going shopping with a mate and then she points out a shirt and says, “Hey, try this! I think this will look good on you”.

And you slowly declined, ” No this will make me look fat or pale or.. some other not too positive things.”

How do you know?

It is because you’ve tried it before and therefore you know.

The point she was trying to make to me was the same as finding a career in life. Some jobs may seem interesting to one but one will only know if it is true to one till he/she tries it.

As ambitious I may get, I feel an urge to drop everything and travel to somewhere far from home. Live life simply just a year. To understand myself without the influence of others. I’ve always been having this crazy urge for the last few years, maybe one day it will really manifest. At least for now, I am too realistic to do so.

I am looking into volunteering, perhaps it will be a good opportunity to hone my skills and find something I am really passionate about while doing a good cause.

I just need to make things happen.

Music can be very therapeutic in many ways. It helps one to sort out of emotions,  or even sort as a form of release especially when one can relate to the lyrics. Many months ago, I was doing a search on breakup songs (I know it seems kinda dumb but I was in quite a mess beginning of the year) and couldn’t really find a really nice list. Therefore I’ve decided to put up a list of it now that I am going through another one. Actually the songs are really nice to listen whether you are broken-hearted or not.

I’ll continue to update on this list and add more categories.

List of MOVING ON/ BREAKUP SONGS

1. Alanis morrissette-Narcissus

Not exactly my favourite tune, but like the interesting lyrics. I’m sure most have met people as described in the song 🙂

2. Stacie Orrico – I’m Not Missing You

I would say this song sums up my romantic relationships this year.

 

3. Joy Williams – If You Wanna Go

I really like the melody and the simplicity of the lyrics. And it also captures the essence of my current breakup.

 

4. Letoya Luckett – Don’t Need You

Was on my constant playlist beginning of the year.Very nice motivational song with great bass. (Nice for runs)

5. Pussy Cats Dolls- Hush Hush Hush

Will always love this. Favourite song to dance to:)

6. Nelly- Just a Dream

Although I like the cover of it done by a girl on youtube much better.

7. Bruno Mars- Grenade

One of the latest songs at the moment. Easy to listen to.

8. Ne-Yo – Single

A good addition to the playlist with a nice rhythm.

9. Glen Hansard- Falling Slowly

Not exactly a breakup song but it has something very soothing about it. I love this song from the first moment I heard it few years back. Breakup or not.

10. On hold…

 

If there’s one lesson I’ve learnt within the past year, it’s that…

life really don’t go the way that you plan

It’s finally friday and I’m down with a bad cold, have a wedding that I do not wish to attend and not looking forward to the weekend which I was originally excited about.

I did not plan to have a nasty breakup with my ex whom I’ve been with for 8 years, did not plan to lose some friends, did not plan to gain some friends, did not plan to get a job before going for a vacation, did not plan to get into another relationship, did not plan to share my place with someone , did not plan to be sitting here with my nose blocked with eyes that sting a little as I type.
If life is so unpredictable, what’s the point of planning so much then? Sometimes one may just have drawn up the most perfect plan but things just happen, obstructs and the plan just wouldn’t fall through.

I somehow believe in what some may believe, PREDESTINY. Or another way to put it is that everything has already been foreseen by God.

Funny how we humans are so strong, smart yet so fragile, weak at the same time. We think we have control in everything we can get our hands on but sadly, we really don’t.

Sometimes accident happen just because we are a minute earlier or later, bump into someone because of a series events,…

Guess one just can’t  rely too much on our plans sometimes.

 

This had been one of my most unproductive week by far. I need to learn how to create partitions for my head so I can temporarily cast all my troubles aside and come back to it at a more convenient time. Wishful thinking!

I am such a paradox sometimes. I am usually reserved and skeptical about strangers,however once the line is crossed and the transition into friendship takes place…trust and belief in the person will be given almost instantly. And guess people do take advantage of it somehow.

Call it naivety if you wish, I would always love to have faith and trust in people although I do know we humans are subjected to extreme fallibility.

Why still choose to do so despite knowing so? Well, in my perspective, the people around us..did not become the way they are( be it good or bad) just like that. They had gone through a series of processes before arriving to where they are. And most people who are “bad” were probably not as “bad” some time ago. Something must have happened that had shaped them into the way they are now.

Beneath a critical person, he/she perhaps needs lots of assurance himself/herself as he might be really insecure or inconfident about himself. Beneath a cynical person, he/she might have been hurt by people who he cared about very much. You get the idea right? And of course I do believe that some people were just inborn or rather prone towards certain negative traits, for eg: self centered, pessimistic, etc. However  I believe that majority of people are not bad creatures in general.

I’ve been burnt so many times, for trusting in people. It’s not that I don’t learn from my lesson but it’s due to my childish belief that people would be won over by kindness. I thought that by taking the first step of trusting and believing in the person would help to make him/she feel good and appreciated. Let’s put it simply that I thought kindness begets kindness.

Apparently not.

The world has become so messed up that sometimes “conscience” might not even exist. Human go to the extremes finding excuses to justify their faults or cover up totally. Using even the sciences to justify wrong morals. For example, why do men have a higher tendency to cheat? Oh because their biology makeup claims that they need to look for different mates and sow their seeds……to populate the world. Okay I’m being sarcastic but you get the gist.

And strangely when some people have taken advantage of someone, they blamed it upon the other person being stupidly kind or naive.

The really scary part is that some people manipulate others without the awareness that they are doing so. Think carefully, how many times a situation started with you feeling unjustified and after “clarification” or “confrontation”, you ended being the “bad guy” or deemed as the one making fuss. You ended up being the one feeling apologetic for something that you felt wronged about or victimized in the beginning.

It gets pretty disheartening sometimes but I am trying to stay optimistic..there must still be like-minded people out there.

I definitely hope I will not get jaded one day.

I have a temptation to just leave everything behind, to go to somewhere new where nobody knows me and I know nobody. Start a new life with no ambitions or significant plans, pursue random things and activities.

Teach children english, maths, arts or music or volunteer in an orphanage. Go to the hilltop before the sunset, enjoy the breeze and write songs and poetry under a pine tree. Roam down streets, stop by a cafe when tired to have some tea and just watch people pass me by.

Don’t need to worry about how much money I want to make, the place I want to be in society,finding love, keeping love, the lifestyle I want to provide for my family, basically the never ending rat race.

Sometimes everything gets too overwhelming, get so tired trying to fight my way through basically everything.

Need to fight for what I believe, fight for my values, fight to change destiny, fight when life tries to bring me down, fight when people try to bring me down, fight for love, fight to keep love, fight when losing love, fight to remain sane, fight to remain hopeful, fight to be myself.

Are things really that complicated or human just make things complicated?

Or subconsciously human wants things to be complicated so that life would not be monotonous or mundane?

Why do people change? Do people change when they are tired of the “fight”? Better to give into the world’s expectations than to stick firm to one’s beliefs?

It is always easier to change and be part of the norm than to go against the flow.

It is always easier to agree than to disagree.

And you can probably sense the storm going through my little heavy head now.

I will rest for now, and be ready to fight again.

I am sitting at my work desk now, counting the hours to knock off.

I’m totally not in a mood or rather can’t be productive today. You know, I am really starting to adapt to whatever life is throwing at me.

I am sad today. I feel like crying at every opportunity. I feel like running as fast as my legs can carry me. I feel like going somewhere far away alone and write poetry.

Despite all that, I know all these gloom I feel today will pass and I will be good again.

I’ve learnt much the past year.  I’ve learnt what’s heartbreak, losing someone, moving on, how to fight to stay strong, letting go, being patient, being the smaller person, tolerance.

It is sometimes demoralising to have to face setback after setback. However I feel myself gaining strength each time I crossed the obstacle. Sometimes I feel so alone, having to go through everything all by myself. I have great friends by my side but no matter how well they understand you, they are not you. They can never totally understand how you really feel.  At the same time, I get to know myself even more and become even more sure of myself.

So you out there might feel sad today or maybe sad one day just like how I am feeling now, but remember all will pass like the rain and the skies will be blue again.

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed”

2010 is a year that has been putting me through many changes and challenges. Whatever I’ve known, strongly believed in and expectations of life seem to be put to a test by people I meet and other circumstances.

I can’t help but to feel discouraged at times. Sometimes, I feel as if I am like a frail flower in the wind; trying to stay steadfast and not be blown away or be broken by the harsh surroundings.

And then I’ll think about all the things that I’ve already gone through and borrow some strength from it. I’ll constantly remind myself, repeating again and again in my head, ” You gotta remember that you are different. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. Don’t be swayed to bend or conform to the warped values and rules of the society.”

I think it works. Or rather it has always worked for me since I was a kid. For you guys who didn’t know, I went through quite a rough childhood and teenage-hood. It was really difficult to pull through at certain periods and really easy to just falter in one’s beliefs.

Life is not easy. It never is.

Nor life is fair. It never will be.

However we got to find strength within ourselves to fight the battle. We never really win but we will stop ourselves from caving in and being less than who we really are.

The problem with experience is that it gives you knowledge. And the knowledge is a double-edged sword, which can be beneficial at times however may also implant fear in one.

” In regards to the future, it’s a good thing that we do not know enough to be pessimistic”

Therefore the constant reminder of “You are different” to oneself does not work as effectively as it would when I was much younger and more innocent. So I add to the reminder to self that many extraordinary successful people have met with many obstacles and failures before arriving to what they have. Just like the quote:

“History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats. “ –B. C. Forbes

Therefore, if you ever feel too weary and am tempted to give up…DON’T!

The pain is natural and mixed feelings of disappointment, discouragement and unhappiness might occur but continue to persist on. I will never know what the future holds but all I know for now is that I won’t let anything pull me down. And so won’t you too! 🙂

“Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”