Archives for posts with tag: People

I am sitting on a bench by the river, looking at the gradual darkening clouds which are hovering over me. I watch people pass me by, all at different paces. Recently there has been so much unrest in the world.

An deadly earthquake followed by radiation threats in Japan, the unrest in Libya, the protest in London, nuclear threats here and there, and the list follows. Should I be glad that I am living in a city where most disasters barely touch us, where there isn’t any real politics to speak of, where the billionaires and millionaires are flooding in, where there isn’t any external threats… Whenever I watch the news and see all the troubles other places are facing, I know I should feel much fortunate.

But why do I feel a constant weight on my shoulders? I laugh but not really truly laughing. I keep this cool nonchalant front while thousands of woes and thoughts are swarming within my head. The stress of meeting expectations ,especially my own, are so overwhelming sometimes that I just need to find a corner where no one can see me and cry.

Some friends do not understand why I am driving myself so hard. They say easily, ” You are still young, you have plenty of time. Take things easy.”

However what they don’t know is that I can’t really take things easy for one very simple reason.

I never felt that I am ordinary and I don’t want to be ordinary.

And if that it is so, I cannot simply take the same measures as what a person would usually take. If you make average options, you end up being an average person, isn’t it so?

During this trying period of my life, I reminded myself constantly to continue pushing on despite lack of support from people around me. It may be difficult but I believe that success do not come easily. Perseverance will allow one to see the fruits one day.

So if you are also struggling today, please continue to hang on there. The butterfly always need to give a good fight to emerge from the cocoon.

It’s always the littlest things that people forget.

But it’s always the littlest things that count.

My day started off slightly gloomly, affected by my colleague’s melancholy. The gloominess of the invisible sky above the crown of my head seemed to just aggravate as the day goes along, together with the “aura” emitted from her. I somewhat believe in positive/negative energy.

Anyway it had been a rather fruitful day of christmas gift shopping and catching up with dear people to me. This incident somehow revealed to me how blessed I am. I received facebook messages from friends I just met not too long ago, expressing their concern,regret and then support. It really touched my heart as they were so sweet and genuine although we did not have too many encounters with each other.

I am fortunate to have people around me who always believe in me and sees potential or capabilities when I could not see. It matters so much because it gives me an extra boost while I am struggling to live up to my own expectations to myself.

I feel sad for some people when they do not see the blessings they have in their life or the great people that they have around them. Do one really have to lose something to know the importance of it?

May I never take the littlest things for granted 🙂



Surprisingly I slept through the whole night, only waking up at 6am. Normally when I am troubled, I would just keep waking up throughout the night. Guess I’m doing good 🙂 Though my heart was feeling slightly heavy. I think it is a mixture of different couple things. Probably it’s the stress from work, the embarkation from the end of one chapter of my life to the next chapter, personal expectations, and more.

Everything happens for a reason.

I really can’t emphasize that enough, it is scary to look back and see how events mapped out and where they lead to. All these experiences really helped in my understanding of people, love, expectations, …

Let’s talk about love a little today.

Why do things go wrong?

Because most of us got a wrong illusion of love.

I can never use the word “love” carelessly when it comes to telling it to males who I was romantically involved with.

Love is not just a fleeting feeling.

Nor is the adrenaline that rush down you when you see the person.

Love is not a feeling, love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love. Love is an action that if you don’t use it you lose it.  Love is like any communication, if you never send it out, you won’t get a return.  Love is something you give to others not something you feel because something happens to you.

Most of my life I was under the delusion that love was a feeling, something that was going to happen to me. Love is not something that happens to you but something that you make happen to you and happen to others. Love is something that grows from your actions and decisions and if you don’t have it and or not experiencing it then there is something you don’t know about love!” –Grant Cardone
Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/love-is-a-decision-not-a-feeling-777572.html#ixzz18mm1WVfV

Credits to: http://mihaisk.deviantart.com/#/d2pt7en

Why shouldn’t you use the word “love” carelessly?

Although I never used it in the last relationship I was in, I was being told that he loved me. And indeed, it set some expectations and hopes into me.

Words need to be used responsibly. Love itself is also a responsibility.Using it irresponsibly sets false expectations and hopes in the other. Because to some, “I Love You” may be something really significant.

Love..is when you strip everything off from that person and you still love him/her.

Even if the person lost his/her great job, beauty, got scarred, crippled, poor, and so..you still love him/her.

Not possible?

It is..because I’ve really loved before.

For those who don’t know, I was in a 8 years relationship before. There was of course a lot of turbulence inside of the relationship, especially when both parties are so young and the relationship had been so long. We had strong feelings for each other, perhaps contributed by time or maybe because we were best friends with each other. It was my first relationship, therefore I was uncertain if he was the one and if that was really love. Was I just used to him being the only guy in my life, and the relationship has just became a habit or it was really love??? There were many times when I questioned myself if I loved him? And after a process of questioning myself, I knew I did.

My interview to myself

1. Will you forgive him if he cheats? He mildly cheated/deceived me before but I always took him back. And though painful, if he really did so and ask for forgiveness, I would.

2. If he doesn’t have what he has not, would you still feel the same? Yes, I believe in his abilities to be anything.

3. If he got crippled, scarred or whatsoever, would you still be there? I stuttered a little at this…never a be fan of decapitation. I pondered longer at this and finally, it’s a yes. It matters at the same time and doesn’t matter at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it.

4. Would you rather bear the pain of he cheating on you or rather he died in an accident? I could feel the stab at the thought of either possibilities as I thought about it. I was really surprised with my own answer actually. I would rather he cheated on me, left me than him dying. I can’t bear the thought of him no longer being alive, even if he wasn’t with me.

And then I knew I really loved him. The last question was kinda redundant because it was pretty obvious.

5. Would you die for him, like shield him from an accident,etc? Yes.

Love is never judgmental, critical or selfish. It is always forgiving.

So where have all of us gone wrong?
We didn’t fall in love, but we are in love with the feelings of being in love.
Why do potentially good relationships, or marriages break apart? Why do people cheat?

Because they thought that love is just a feeling.

Music can be very therapeutic in many ways. It helps one to sort out of emotions,  or even sort as a form of release especially when one can relate to the lyrics. Many months ago, I was doing a search on breakup songs (I know it seems kinda dumb but I was in quite a mess beginning of the year) and couldn’t really find a really nice list. Therefore I’ve decided to put up a list of it now that I am going through another one. Actually the songs are really nice to listen whether you are broken-hearted or not.

I’ll continue to update on this list and add more categories.

List of MOVING ON/ BREAKUP SONGS

1. Alanis morrissette-Narcissus

Not exactly my favourite tune, but like the interesting lyrics. I’m sure most have met people as described in the song 🙂

2. Stacie Orrico – I’m Not Missing You

I would say this song sums up my romantic relationships this year.

 

3. Joy Williams – If You Wanna Go

I really like the melody and the simplicity of the lyrics. And it also captures the essence of my current breakup.

 

4. Letoya Luckett – Don’t Need You

Was on my constant playlist beginning of the year.Very nice motivational song with great bass. (Nice for runs)

5. Pussy Cats Dolls- Hush Hush Hush

Will always love this. Favourite song to dance to:)

6. Nelly- Just a Dream

Although I like the cover of it done by a girl on youtube much better.

7. Bruno Mars- Grenade

One of the latest songs at the moment. Easy to listen to.

8. Ne-Yo – Single

A good addition to the playlist with a nice rhythm.

9. Glen Hansard- Falling Slowly

Not exactly a breakup song but it has something very soothing about it. I love this song from the first moment I heard it few years back. Breakup or not.

10. On hold…

 

This had been one of my most unproductive week by far. I need to learn how to create partitions for my head so I can temporarily cast all my troubles aside and come back to it at a more convenient time. Wishful thinking!

I am such a paradox sometimes. I am usually reserved and skeptical about strangers,however once the line is crossed and the transition into friendship takes place…trust and belief in the person will be given almost instantly. And guess people do take advantage of it somehow.

Call it naivety if you wish, I would always love to have faith and trust in people although I do know we humans are subjected to extreme fallibility.

Why still choose to do so despite knowing so? Well, in my perspective, the people around us..did not become the way they are( be it good or bad) just like that. They had gone through a series of processes before arriving to where they are. And most people who are “bad” were probably not as “bad” some time ago. Something must have happened that had shaped them into the way they are now.

Beneath a critical person, he/she perhaps needs lots of assurance himself/herself as he might be really insecure or inconfident about himself. Beneath a cynical person, he/she might have been hurt by people who he cared about very much. You get the idea right? And of course I do believe that some people were just inborn or rather prone towards certain negative traits, for eg: self centered, pessimistic, etc. However  I believe that majority of people are not bad creatures in general.

I’ve been burnt so many times, for trusting in people. It’s not that I don’t learn from my lesson but it’s due to my childish belief that people would be won over by kindness. I thought that by taking the first step of trusting and believing in the person would help to make him/she feel good and appreciated. Let’s put it simply that I thought kindness begets kindness.

Apparently not.

The world has become so messed up that sometimes “conscience” might not even exist. Human go to the extremes finding excuses to justify their faults or cover up totally. Using even the sciences to justify wrong morals. For example, why do men have a higher tendency to cheat? Oh because their biology makeup claims that they need to look for different mates and sow their seeds……to populate the world. Okay I’m being sarcastic but you get the gist.

And strangely when some people have taken advantage of someone, they blamed it upon the other person being stupidly kind or naive.

The really scary part is that some people manipulate others without the awareness that they are doing so. Think carefully, how many times a situation started with you feeling unjustified and after “clarification” or “confrontation”, you ended being the “bad guy” or deemed as the one making fuss. You ended up being the one feeling apologetic for something that you felt wronged about or victimized in the beginning.

It gets pretty disheartening sometimes but I am trying to stay optimistic..there must still be like-minded people out there.

I definitely hope I will not get jaded one day.

I have a temptation to just leave everything behind, to go to somewhere new where nobody knows me and I know nobody. Start a new life with no ambitions or significant plans, pursue random things and activities.

Teach children english, maths, arts or music or volunteer in an orphanage. Go to the hilltop before the sunset, enjoy the breeze and write songs and poetry under a pine tree. Roam down streets, stop by a cafe when tired to have some tea and just watch people pass me by.

Don’t need to worry about how much money I want to make, the place I want to be in society,finding love, keeping love, the lifestyle I want to provide for my family, basically the never ending rat race.

Sometimes everything gets too overwhelming, get so tired trying to fight my way through basically everything.

Need to fight for what I believe, fight for my values, fight to change destiny, fight when life tries to bring me down, fight when people try to bring me down, fight for love, fight to keep love, fight when losing love, fight to remain sane, fight to remain hopeful, fight to be myself.

Are things really that complicated or human just make things complicated?

Or subconsciously human wants things to be complicated so that life would not be monotonous or mundane?

Why do people change? Do people change when they are tired of the “fight”? Better to give into the world’s expectations than to stick firm to one’s beliefs?

It is always easier to change and be part of the norm than to go against the flow.

It is always easier to agree than to disagree.

And you can probably sense the storm going through my little heavy head now.

I will rest for now, and be ready to fight again.

Have you ever been at a point of your life when you feel like you are situated right in the middle of the crossroads?

It may be crossroads in your family life, career, relationship, personal life, etc…  You’re not too sure of which way to go, not certain which will be the best route to your destination. So afraid to make a choice, so afraid you’d get it wrong.

I am just like that. I know where I want to be at the end of the day but just not too sure how to get there. I am also afraid to make a wrong choice or take the wrong route. I always wished there’s a Dummies book for life. (I have a thing for self-help/motivational/diy books) Too bad there isn’t a manual for life and even if there is, it’s not going to be applicable.

The encouraging news is that besides you being not alone, and there’s no perfect route. Therefore it doesn’t matter which route you are currently on because it wouldn’t have been that great either on the other route. You know while driving, one may make a wrong turn sometimes; it may just require a fast U-turn to get back on track or sometimes it may become a longer en route. And during the en route, we may discover a new place, something interesting, etc..one never knows! However as long you have the destination of the place you want to be at clearly in your head, you will get there eventually. No matter which route we take to reach our destinations, we will learn something valuable from it.

And so I realised that instead of just lingering in one spot as time runs like sand in the hourglass, I need to just be brave and make the first move. I need to take the leap of faith.

After being stuck at the crossroads for so long, I’ve finally made up my mind.

Even after consulting with different people whom I trust for advice eg: mentors, friends, family, I was still feeling rather uncertain and insecure. However I decided it’s time to end all the wishywashy-ness, I just got to have faith (some will say trust your gut feelings) and made up my mind to take up the job offer from one of the start-ups.

When everything has been finalised, I shall blog about the new job and the experiences that come along with it.

I am pretty much excited to start work, anticipating both challenges and the vast learning opportunities. I have no concrete idea how the new working life will be for me. After all, this is going to be my first full-time job. However I am all ready for the run and hurdles that’s going to come. I am ready to emerge stronger and better than ever.

Meanwhile in other aspects of my life, I guess it’s time for me to truly let go of the past as well. Of course it can’t be done within a single day, but I know I’ll eventually arrive there. One just have to continue having faith, hope and the courage because there’s no other way to move on.

“Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”

It’s another long day.

Funny how I am feeling relieved just to be on my bed these days…to be finally alone.

Am I becoming weaker? Or am I just afraid?Afraid of people…Afraid that the world might really be not so pretty as most people paint it, afraid that I might just become just another jaded person amidst the crowd?

It’s also funny how one can feel lonely while being surrounded by so many people.

If only there’s someone else who understands..who knows and also believes in the same things…

Some people told me that I shouldn’t be too nice, too trusting, too blablablabla…or I’ll be taken advantage of. I always brush them away, believing so firmly that being genuine and kind will melt all walls and barriers that people build. Why am I feeling so miserable then? So miserable just trying to be myself now? So difficult to retain being true and not wavered by the surrounding..or rather, not feel demoralised.

It gets quite discouraging sometimes.

Try to be the most(my best) supportive and independent daughter = taken for granted by parents.

Try to be the most(my best) faithful and forgiving girlfriend = taken for granted by the ex

Try to be the most(my best) understanding and kind person = taken for granted by people

okayy at least I have a bunch of friends who really cherish me and are always so supportive of me. I should be counting my blessing. But I guess it’s human’s nature to feel discouraged when one is being unappreciated or when not receiving enough care and concern?

So can I really blame people for being jaded? It’s so tempting to love less, care less, involve ourselves less and so that it will hurt less.

It is so difficult to love people without the slightest expectation. I am no saint. I don’t expect rewards or gifts or favours. But perhaps a smile, a hug or even a thank-you is good enough? An acknowledgment to one’s existence and doings is so important?

Is it another of life’s lesson to me?

“To love means loving the unlovable.

To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable.

Faith means believing the unbelievable.

Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”

What have we taken for granted?

The skies that are blue? Or the birds swirling around the fluffy white clouds. The trees that sway as the leaves sashay to the rhythm of the wind? The morning sun that filters through the gaps of the leaves, and then enters through the clear window, onto one’s cheek that it gently caresses?

What have we taken for granted?

The people walking at different pace; some in quick short steps and others in long steady strides? People laughing as their eyes twinkle with fine lines bordering the temple and people frowning with their eyebrows in a deep burrow.

What have we taken for granted?

The voice of a loved one in a dial; the ability to leave messages in every form. The friends who always pick up their phones and reply one’s messages; the friends who are always missing in action but turns up at the very critical moment when one needs him/her.

What have we taken for granted?

Parents who are always supportive and think too highly of their children; parents who are critical and always nagging but meant well. Parents who threaten to take everything away but still pay for everything in the end.

What have we taken for granted?

The ability to speak one’s mind, to see, to feel, to listen to the crickets which sing at night. The ability to chase for the bus, and type random tweets and updates. To wake up next to a significant other and be able to watch and hear his or her gentle breathing as his or her chest rises up and down.

What have we taken for granted?

The tears that sting one’s eyes, to feel the heart aching and in pain. The joy that overwhelms one’s heart and overrides all previous hurt. The ability to feel emotions and be human.

We who have eyes too often complain that the world is ugly.

We who have been hurt, find it hard to open up and love again. We people find plenty of masquerades for ourselves. We call it different things; we say we are just protecting ourselves, we say we are just wiser, we say we are more careful, we say we are more experienced. However the truth is that we are just masking our cowardice. Not being able to love again or be nice or be kind again because one is afraid to get hurt again, does not make us stronger, wiser or more mature.

And then we take the things around us for granted unknowingly. We take for granted the people who were genuinely kind to us, people who had potential to be our best friends or even lovers, people who accept us for who we are.

Have we taken communication for granted? How convenient it is to just ask someone how was his/her day, or to say thank you, to apologise, to say you miss them or to say you love them..but how often do we really do that?

What have we taken for granted?

” Good-byes make you think, they make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost, and what you’ve taken for granted.”

I thought that by now nothing much can faze me.

Guess not.

This morning my overweight head roused me up from my pathetic amount of sleep. Seriously I don’t know which is heavier. My heart or my head. Well we all know that our emotions work inside the head but why is it that I feel an unexplainable discomfort in my chest?

Now being at the crossroads of my life, many circumstances challenge what I believe and value indeed. Most of you have been there or maybe also going through it now. Different people trying to influence you into their way of thinking. And sometimes people really close to you try to enforce their values onto you and you wish you could agree with but no you can’t.

Along my course of life, I have been fortunate to meet a very diverse group of people. People who are artistic, people who are very academically inclined, people who are very kind, people who are extremely selfish, people who are positive, people who are very forgiving. People from different parts of Asia, people from Europe and the US. People who are ambitious, people who have no goals.

Ha ha alright you get the picture. The reason why I think I was fortunate to have encounter all these people is that from everyone of them, there’s always something to learn.

Through these people, it reinforces what I want or value in life and at the same time, allows me to know what I don’t want. Don’t want to have, don’t want to be or become.

As the years pass, I see people or friends around me becoming more and more skeptical, more jaded, more emotionless. Well, one will always classify that with age or maturity. Is it really so?

I really beg to differ. At one period of my life, I became like that; skeptical, less warmth to people,and so on. I had always been a very trusting person since a child and because of that I was really hurt by some who misused it while growing up. So basically like one’s body would form antibodies to fight the virus, my heart heartened and bricks formed around it to fight those hurt. I was skeptical, cynical and the world seemed like a cold dark dungeon where things might creep out and pull you down anytime.

I don’t know if you believe this or not, but human gives out a form of..well some call it energy/aura, for me I don’t really know how to describe but then what I’m trying to say is that when one is positive, genuine, kind towards another, the other person will subconsciously pick it up. He/she may or may not return it and if he/she is a skeptical person, might even doubt or not think well of your genuinity or kindness, but actually his/her subconsciousness will know that you are someone good and it will actualise into physical conscious if the person let the guard down.

Alright so basically I went through the same stage so I understand totally why people now behaves that way. However I was blessed to meet people along the way who melted all these walls down and I was back to my trusting nature again. And I am now so much happier.

Does that mean that I wasn’t hurt again afterwards? Of course i have been! It is inevitable to meet people who might hurt you.

And that’s when the age and maturity that one might lack when one is younger comes in. One trust, care and love others with as little expectations as possible. Disappointment or hurt can’t be avoided but one will also gain other extremely valueable bonds with sone people.

At a certain point, one will understand that while there are people who are kind and good to you, there are also a fair share of people who are not too good for you. Do not be afraid to be nice or loving just because you are afraid that this fifty percent of humankind will hurt you and miss out the other fifty that love you.

I won’t say I have become all strong and tough that nothing unfazes me. This will never happen. I still have my days when I get disheartened or upset and even days when I cried like there’s no tomorrow.

But well at the end of the day, I know I am not totally alone and that there’s people who are genuinely good and care about me.